I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
You Might Also Like
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
White Castle for the Win
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.