@RVGisFUNNY

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

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@ArfMeasures

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

@Mazificient

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

@whatbabytalk

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

@TheBoydP

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…

@Social_Mime

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

@PinkCamoTO

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

@Book_Krazy

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

@WetzelGeek

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.