Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
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No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
BRAKING NEWS!!
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.