I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That’s it. No more reading!

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A good business strategy is to have a donut-shaped meeting room table that rotates around you at 200 rpm as everyone struggles to cling on and you sit in the middle, laughing


I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.


Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.


I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.


The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.


Momma bird: welcome to the world!
Baby bird: thx!
M: for the next few months instead of food, I’ma just throw up in your mouth.
B: wait what