Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
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If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.