“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.


Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like


Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.


People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection


nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.


“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.


If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.


The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*


If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.


Cinderella is my favorite story of a man who couldn’t remember what the face of the love of his life looked like.