@UnicornSyrup

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

You Might Also Like

@JB4Realz

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

@sad_tree

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

@missekay

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

@lolzdonz

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

@tigersgoroooar

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

@okimstillhungry

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

@3sunzzz

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

@Home_Halfway

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

@DaveWeasel

If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.

@Eden_Eats

Cinderella is my favorite story of a man who couldn’t remember what the face of the love of his life looked like.