The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
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[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
cop: do you know why i pulled u over?
me: was i speeding?
me: was my tail light out?
me: is it because u need a hug
cop: also because there’s an arm hanging out of your trunk
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
me: what your biggest fear?
date: oh i’m incredibly arachnophobic
me: [under breath] you don’t want spiders to get married?
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
If you knew what I considered to be my “best behavior” it’s doubtful you’d advise me to be “on it”.
just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend