@UnicornSyrup

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

You Might Also Like

@sikeyeah

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

@DaddyJew

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

@BobTheSuit

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

@dugglebutt

cop: do you know why i pulled u over?

me: was i speeding?

cop: no

me: was my tail light out?

cop: no

me: is it because u need a hug

cop: yes

*hugsies*

cop: also because there’s an arm hanging out of your trunk

@notviking

me: what your biggest fear?

date: oh i’m incredibly arachnophobic

me: [under breath] you don’t want spiders to get married?

@murrman5

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

@Book_Krazy

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

@thedaisycomplex

If you knew what I considered to be my “best behavior” it’s doubtful you’d advise me to be “on it”.

@GawdOffalTweets

just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend