“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
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Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
SPLOOT
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!