“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
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Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
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We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
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