@JocMaxedOut

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

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@mrjohndarby

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

@chrisdelia

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

@IvoGraham

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

@longwall26

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

@jonnysun

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

@Phook75

It sucks when I congratulate a woman on her pregnancy only to have him quickly correct me

@TheToddWilliams

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

@AnniemuMary

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

@badbanana

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

@Fred_Delicious

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”