She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
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The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Yes, this is exactly right
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.