I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
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Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened