*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
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Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Leaving the Barbers like
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.