I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
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Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
#merica
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.