I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
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I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.