@eeethanford

I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.

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@SaraMansford

Germ 1-OMG he dropped his pizza!

Germ 2-PIIZZZAAAA!!! Let’s get it!

Germ Capt.-Stand back! He still has one more second to pick it up.

@GarrettCake

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

@ClareBarry

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

@javeigh

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

@CrankyPappy

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

@hyperblastchic

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

@TweetPotato314

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

@novicefather

Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.

@ItsMePonyBoy

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

@tyrannees

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.