if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
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Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
for all #parents out there
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M