I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
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The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.