I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
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If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Dammit Chief not again
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.