I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
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Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.