@AlishaRai

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

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@_SetTheHook_

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

@JediGigi

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

@brynnester

Me: Where there’s a will there’s a way

Will: That’s true

Way: Very true

@egg_dog

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

@Bnowaygirl

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

@Ilovelamp1979

This could be the LSD talking, but I’m pretty sure I’d be more comfortable riding on the roof of the car.

@DannyZuker

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.