I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
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me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.