@rikpayne

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

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@ThisLocalHater

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

@TySmithdrums

Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.

@TragicAllyHere

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

@gkaluma

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

@djdarrellripley

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

@parsfarce

[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks

@Lola_Areola

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

@LizHackett

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”