I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

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Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?


Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.


I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.


Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.


I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!


I just don’t know what to keep it in….


[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks


Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks


I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”