I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
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I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Not today. 😅
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad