The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
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GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
*tries several times to connect to the internet using a dial-up modem*
*reaches #1 on the dubstep charts*
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Wife: I said any fantasy, I wore the police uniform! Isn’t that enough?
Me: Say the words
Wife: Ok… sir, I have bad news about your wife
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Stupid Autocorrect you’re always posting some thong you didn’t Nintendo
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.