I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
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It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
The Struggle
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I am all good here, 😂😉
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.