@Smooheed

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

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@TheBoydP

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

@Book_Krazy

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

@man_spach

*tries several times to connect to the internet using a dial-up modem*
*reaches #1 on the dubstep charts*

@inanimatecorpse

Wife: I said any fantasy, I wore the police uniform! Isn’t that enough?

Me: Say the words

Wife: Ok… sir, I have bad news about your wife

@hog_mild

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

@KH0wes

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

@BillPelicanBros

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

@vikkaroni

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.