I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
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I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?