@suecorvette

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

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@HatfieldAnne

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

@jwoodham

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

@VenisVal

My friend’s wife is so controlling. When they’re together, he talks like he’s filming a hostage video.

@ArfMeasures

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

@FU_TangClan

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

@Reverend_Scott

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

@yourbizsucks

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

@ziiethwala

what if all the random coins you find around your house are from insects paying you rent ??

@funnyordie

Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.