I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

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Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.


Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.


My friend’s wife is so controlling. When they’re together, he talks like he’s filming a hostage video.


Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547


Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break


If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.


I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail


WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why


what if all the random coins you find around your house are from insects paying you rent ??


Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.