Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
My friend’s wife is so controlling. When they’re together, he talks like he’s filming a hostage video.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
what if all the random coins you find around your house are from insects paying you rent ??
Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.