I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Ironic
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it