@suecorvette

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

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@GorillaNipples1

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

@jennnjennnm

if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock

thats humerus

no, I’m not sorry

@BoogTweets

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

@tjcirimele

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

@sara_ashlynn

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

@markleggett

If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.

@GayAtHomeDad

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

@XoMiSsYoX

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

@crylenol

VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You’ll like it. Much better than last year.
GIRL: It isn’t another ear is it, Vince?
VAN GOGH: what