I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
You Might Also Like
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.