I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
You Might Also Like
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.