[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
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I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…