what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
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Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
this FaceApp is creepy af
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*