I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
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“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Why is everyone getting married at me
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab