I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
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I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
i think we should see other cousins
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.