I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
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Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Hotels are back
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Classic German Shepherd 😂
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon