FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
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I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Incredible customer service.
“OMGJK” -atheists
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you