I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

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If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG


Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.


When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.


Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies


Sick and tired of cooking videos assuming I have 40 perfect little bowls to put ingredients in. Grow up


Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?


“Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!” – Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.


Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet


me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what