I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
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When you try jalapeños for the first time
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.