Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@AlexEllisdon

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

@TheCatWhisprer

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

@FBSisnothere

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

@meganamram

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

@KevinFarzad

Sick and tired of cooking videos assuming I have 40 perfect little bowls to put ingredients in. Grow up

@Staggfilms

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

@jwoodham

“Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!” – Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.

@mattZillaaaa

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

@daemonic3

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

@FrogAvalanche

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now