@koalaslament

I just saw 30 seconds of Glee and now I’m gay. Send glitter.

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@junejuly12

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

@literally_is_me

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

@iGreenMonk

To Do List :
1: Buy 4 Pigs
2: Paint numbers 1,2,3 & 5 on their backs
3: Release them in Wal-Mart
4: Sit back watch Security search for #4

@MisterBombay

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

@SocialExtortion

I hate going to the dentist, he is always like “did you eat Oreos before you came in?” and “you are still eating Oreos, I can see you”

@Lisabug74

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

@sbellelauren

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

@flashember

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

@AdamOPrice

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

@BriarSlyMadness

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.