I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
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sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.