I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
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Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
OMG 🤣🤣
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.