I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
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Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.