Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
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STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I put the hot in psychotic.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
“HOW” – dyslexic owl