Therapist: what would you say is your biggest fear
Me: chameleon bears
Therapist: but those don’t even exist
Me: *looking around nervously* how could anyone know
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
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The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Shh everyone play along!!
One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
Why do we have 52,455,865 pictures of Grandma?
-my future grandchildren probably
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
The best thing about being over 25 is that no one can find embarrassing Youtube videos of you as a kid.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.