I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
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Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.