@RunJeffreyRun

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

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@captainkalvis

Therapist: what would you say is your biggest fear

Me: chameleon bears

Therapist: but those don’t even exist

Me: *looking around nervously* how could anyone know

@AmberTozer

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

@TheReal_AndyMac

One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.

@TheSnideOne

Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.

@wendybeth_

Why do we have 52,455,865 pictures of Grandma?

-my future grandchildren probably

@ojedge

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] IF  YOU  LIKE  IT  THEN  YOU  SHOULDA  PUT  A  RING  ON  IT

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

@anjeanettec

The best thing about being over 25 is that no one can find embarrassing Youtube videos of you as a kid.

@Lhlodder

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.