Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I just saw a lady jogging backwards. You go, girl…or you just went…or here you come. I don’t know which direction I’m going with this.
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“It’s only arson if you get caught”
~Things my sister says I’m not allowed to tell her kids
Other Survivor: We should only use our water for emergencies
Me: *waiting for my sponge dinosaurs to expand* Agreed
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
[Leaning into your casket]
I just think it’s funny how…
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Boyfriend planted watermelon seedlings in our garden. I just bought a watermelon to put beside his plant before he wakes up tomorrow.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?