@hunz74

I just saw a lady jogging backwards. You go, girl…or you just went…or here you come. I don’t know which direction I’m going with this.

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@rikpayne

Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks…

And now we wait.

@texasstalkermom

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

@LlamaInaTux

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

@ghostkrogh

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

@heatherlou_

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

@bartandsoul

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

@meganamram

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

@AlexvanBeek

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

@SirJeremyLondon

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.