The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
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[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
the red hot silly peppers
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight