*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I just saw a lady jogging backwards. You go, girl…or you just went…or here you come. I don’t know which direction I’m going with this.
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Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks…
And now we wait.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food
Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.