“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
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ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Do not steal food from the science building!
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.