@Samiam556

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

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@VisionBored1

My kid asked why we eat so much bacon so I told him it’s a vegetable

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

@dreamthievin

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

@Marcmywords2

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

@lilooet

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

@crocodilethumbs

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

@5exyunchained

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

@MentalAbortions

Why would I want to quit smoking? Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer?