My kid asked why we eat so much bacon so I told him it’s a vegetable
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
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Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
The person behind Wendy’s Twitter account deserves a medal
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
They were called Jumpolines until your Mom got on one.
Why would I want to quit smoking? Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer?