I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
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Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
They did not miss in the small print
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.