I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
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The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
crochet youtube is brutal
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”