– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
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Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.
[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO