@faisaladam_

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

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@oakhillbargrill

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

@StansaidAirport

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

@YogaButterfly_

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

@Eden_Eats

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

@carlyken

My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.

@sarcasm_inc

[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it

@Fickle_Filly

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

@MavenofHonor

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

@Reverend_Scott

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO