I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
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Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Well, that should do it
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled