I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.

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I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?


Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.


interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans


[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite


Don’t send an email if you’re angry. Wait a while. Have a couple of drinks. Get yourself really worked up. And then send it.


It takes a car 30 years to become vintage. It takes a phone 30 days.


*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”


When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”


When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones?I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?