I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.
You Might Also Like
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
*pours heart out*
Weigh me now
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Don’t send an email if you’re angry. Wait a while. Have a couple of drinks. Get yourself really worked up. And then send it.
It takes a car 30 years to become vintage. It takes a phone 30 days.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones?I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?