I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
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me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.