@lloydrang

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

You Might Also Like

@benicus_rex

WHAT DO WE WANT
to stop shrinking
???? ?? ?? ???? ??
?? ???? ?? ???????? ??????

@dumbbeezie

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

@TheTweetOfGod

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

@PJTLynch

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

@ericsshadow

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

@squirrel74wkgn

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

@HollyHeals

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

@amishschool

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

@daplusk

Owls would be so much cooler if they could also say ‘are you’

@TheToddWilliams

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots