@lloydrang

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

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@iAmJuddy

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

@RamblingMachine

A truck with the slogan “We always go the extra mile” took the last parking spot so I wrote on it “because we missed the exit” as a revenge.

@Browtweaten

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

@climaxximus

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

@Cryptic1iam

This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.

@Cheeseboy22

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

@LizHackett

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

@HolycrapitsaKat

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.