Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
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A truck with the slogan “We always go the extra mile” took the last parking spot so I wrote on it “because we missed the exit” as a revenge.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.