I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
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The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Always…
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.