@PYWL

I just saw a video of a snake that learned to open doors. I probably don’t need to sleep anymore anyway.

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@yonewt

You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.

@DumbConfessions

Wrong hole.

No. Still the wrong hole.

Only ONE in each hole!

Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.

-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.

@ClichedOut

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

@Mr_Kapowski

My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter

Don’t wake us up early on the weekend and we won’t abandon you in a mall

@robdelaney

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

@John_M15

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?