Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
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a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”