I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
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You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
spicy snake
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.