@wittwitbarista

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

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@TheHatStore

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

@ShortSleeveSuit

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

@Gupton68

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

@TheMichaelRock

News: Don’t panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don’t panic though.

@prufrockluvsong

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

@gabutch

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

@causticbob

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

@Shen_the_Bird

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door