I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
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Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I have questions??
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?