I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate