I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
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Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.